Has a “carnivore till I die” mentality – which might be sooner than he thinks – because meat equals manly. Summer is what this guy lives for. Sunshine means one thing: barbecue. He’s unbearable company at any grilling event and exudes back-seat driver energy while observing anyone else cooking meat. This guy’s hero is Mr Adam Richman, aka Man v Food king. His relationship status with vegetables? “It’s complicated”. In his spare time, he can be found grunting in the weights section of the gym. Although if his body really is a temple, it’s likely to be condemned by the time he’s 40.

Condiment of choice: smokey BBQ hot sauce (the spicier the better)

The least foodie of them all, this grownup human still sees seasoning – not to mention seasonal produce – as the enemy. He has no shame in ordering a plain burger without the tomato, onion, lettuce, pickle, relish or flavour. A fussy eater who is enabled by those around him (his mum), he’s never tried an olive, won’t touch coriander or anything with “bits in it” and only ever eats margarita pizza. On holidays abroad, he’ll eat a bacon sarnie for brekkie and chicken nuggets and chips for tea. Everyday. “It’s just a phase,” they say. Sure, and breakfast cereal is just for breakfast.

Condiment of choice: mayonnaise

A nut-butter connoisseur. A sustainability champion. This guy knows his onions and will absolutely ruin the Big Mac you were planning to have for dinner. Why? Because industrial meat consumption is destroying our planet: beef is by far the most carbon-intensive – 25 times more than tofu and 50 times more than pulses – and contributes to deforestation. His hobbies include foraging, hiking and supergluing himself to motorways. Deep down, he wants to save humanity, even if he is appalled at most of our food choices. Although, he’s as smug as anything when he convinces friends that Beyond Burgers are almost as good as the real deal. His parents dread the holidays. The intergenerational dinner is often tense due to a lack of understanding and empathy from his family (as well as an exceptionally dry nut roast).

Condiment of choice: organic raw Brazil nut butter

Minimal time and effort and an overworked microwave are central to this guy’s meal planning. Because he’s got more important stuff to be doing. He’s one of those rare (and annoying) people who can “forget to eat”. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate decent grub, it just isn’t a priority. A typical weekday dinner would be a ready meal with Elf Bar chaser. This guy owns zero kitchen utensils, just one blunt knife used to pierce film lids. He thinks a spiraliser is a party game where you have to put your hands and feet on coloured dots on a plastic mat. He loves a canned pie, but even he draws the line at an all-day breakfast in a tin. His parents bought him an air fryer for Christmas to try and inspire some culinary interest, but the only thing going anywhere near it is dust.

Condiment of choice: own-label ketchup