THE JOURNAL
Illustration by Mr Antonio Sortino
I spent last Valentine’s Day with my then-boyfriend watching Titanic in immersive 3D. He had met me in Piccadilly Circus with a bunch of flowers and we sat in the cinema surrounded by teenagers. It was the dumbest, cheesiest (and probably cheapest) way I had ever celebrated Valentine’s Day and I was embarrassed to even tell people about it, but somehow it was also the best. Why? Because it was romantic.
It seems that today we have become a little afraid of romance. Specifically, of the kinds of romantic gestures that a day like Valentine’s Day might require – showing someone you love them either through gifts, words or otherwise. Just a few decades ago, sending meticulously penned love letters was the norm, and as a culture we treasure those written by authors, poets, artists and statesmen. (If you’ve not read Mr James Joyce’s, you’re in for a treat.) But somewhere along the way, these traditional notions of romance were overtaken by flashy demonstrations, performative displays and associations with fedora-tipping pick-up artists.
The romantic gift morphed into a cliché of a dozen roses or a box of Milk Tray. The romantic gesture is imagined as no less than meeting at the top of the Empire State Building or blasting a love song from your boombox outside their bedroom window. As a result, romance has been deemed tacky, embarrassing and risk-laden. And, more often than not, we end up sticking to giving gifts that, while not lacking in charm, are missing the heartfelt sentiment of their original intention.
So, where does romance stand when it comes to modern love – and if romantic gestures have a place at all, what do they look like?
“In today’s digital world, many people are feeling lost, especially when it comes to dating and romance,” says Dr Ali Fenwick, behavioural psychologist and author of Red Flags, Green Flags. “To strike up a conversation with someone you like is quickly seen as cringe, while sending someone unsolicited dick pics on Snapchat isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Traditional expressions of love and showing interest in others don’t seem to have the same direct effect as in the past – and at times are even counterproductive.”
Why would you stick your neck out and risk a romantic gesture when you’re highly likely to get ghosted? “Dating has turned into a numbers game.” Fenwick says. “The more options we have, the more willing we are to treat others badly. Our technology usage is also making us less able to deal with difficult social interactions. These developments have impacted how comfortable people feel in social interactions in all areas of their lives and how willing they are to connect emotionally, let alone appreciate signs of love and affection.”
If we have come to use social media as a barrier, does that mean romantic gestures are off the cards for good? Not necessarily. Ms Amanda Brown runs premier romance planning agency The One Romance, which helps people plan proposals, dates and other romantic experiences. She feels that “love is all around, with both men and women feeling that they can shout about it and make very romantic gestures”. Though she admits that this may also have a link to social media and “the need or want to show off your life and your loves”.
Regardless, perhaps we’re more romantic that we let on. “In recent years, I have had many more requests for ‘first I love you’ celebrations and romantic requests to mark special occasions like first dates and anniversaries,” Brown says.
As humans, our desire to form meaningful relationships is still fundamental. Romance may evolve – and the way it’s going may sometimes feel bleak – but that longing for closeness endures. We are lucky to also live in an age that increasingly celebrates new and more diverse types of love and relationships. Though we may outwardly express cringe at passé rose petals sprinkled around a hotel bed (actually, I stand by that one), there’s still the slightly embarrassed part of us that will press the rose they bought us between the leaves of a book, and treasure it even when the romance has long since passed.
“Modern romance”, then, isn’t necessarily about sweeping someone off their feet or announcing your love to the world, but about making them feel appreciated, cared for and understood. In this age of aloofness, a romantic gesture becomes more valuable and likely even more appreciated.
Take some inspiration from the suggestions below and thank us later. Sure, they might sound cheesy, but go for it in the knowledge that your love will in all likelihood be reciprocated and, what’s more, cherished. Most importantly, do what feels right for you and your partner – even if that’s holding hands while the Titanic sinks (and two 16-year-olds grope each other just behind you). Remember what Fenwick says: “Don’t exchange your authenticity for attachment.”
01. Go personal (without your phone)
We get a lot from our phones, but perhaps the easiest meaningful gesture you can make when spending romantic time with your other half is to switch the damn thing off. (A survey by none other than romance publisher Mills & Boon found that keeping your phone at the table is the biggest passion killer bar none.) So put it in a drawer. Throw it into a lake. Do whatever you need to stop your hand wandering over to that lusty flirt.
To make your phone easier to ignore (and to indulge your partner with a total lack of responsibility for arrangements on their part – an often-underappreciated treat), plan out the day or evening in its entirety. According to Fenwick, it’s “all about new experiences and making memories, be it a culinary experience at a new restaurant or otherwise”.
Take some time to consider an activity that shows an intimate knowledge of their interests. Is your beau a secret history nerd? Take them mudlarking or on a luxury excursion on the British Pullman. Do they love to cook? Order a Michelin-starred restaurant kit to cook for them home or book a private dining room or chef’s table for the two of you.
02. Spend the weekend together (distraction-free)
For those who have the time and ability, a full weekend away gives you the time to work on rebuilding your romance muscles. Brown suggests that many opt for “a surprise weekend break, where a violinist might serenade you in the hotel grounds and lancework or fire letters might explode saying ‘I love you’”.
The latter may be a bit of a stretch even for the most confirmed romantics among us, so to make the weekend personal and memorable, we suggest going remote. The Landmark Trust (or here for those in the US) rent out historic buildings in incredible locations, which, crucially, are totally Wi-Fi-free.
Alternatively, if your partner loves to be wined and dined, look out for chef-owned retreats such as Coombeshead Farm, headed by chef Mr Tom Adams, or D’Une Ile, from the chefs behind Paris’ much-lauded Septime and Clamato.
03. Give the gift of knowledge – or show you understand their aesthetic
There’s little that reveals a person’s true inner life more than what they choose to read or watch when totally alone. And while a DVD boxset or Netflix subscription could be the right gift for someone, a treasured book (with – and this is important – a personal inscription on the title page) can literally make your love last centuries.
If you know your partner loves a particular book, author or topic, consider searching out a first or rare edition. For design lovers and coffee-table book connoisseurs, try IDEA. If you’re not so sure of their tastes, why not book them in for a session of bibliotherapy? Where they can think about what they read, why they read and how they can get more out of reading. Ms Ella Berthoud, author of The Novel Cure, provides sessions for individuals and couples.
This latter gesture “shows how thoughtful you are about their inner life, not just giving a bunch of flowers, but a gift that will nourish your partner’s brain and inner being for weeks or months to come,” Berthoud says. “When you have a session together, you can think about great books to share, to read aloud, and to read in sync with each other so that your reading life can become a more intimate part of you as a couple.”
04. Make them something – or make your gift meaningful
OK, handmade gifts might shout “child’s dried-pasta picture”, but I bet you your parents still have that penne portrait safely stowed somewhere in a drawer. Making something for your other half, however rudimentary, shows a vulnerability and effort that is irresistible. Just think how much more touching it is to receive a homemade cake than one bought from even the fanciest patisserie.
“It is important that any gift or gesture is personal to the couple and more and more of my clients understand this and request it to be part of their date or event,” Brown says. “Bespoke handmade gifts are thoughtful and hold special memories. And everyone is looking for everlasting memories.”
If you were thinking about gifting jewellery, consider taking a day class to create a simple piece yourself. Or pick out something made with stones or motifs that carry meaning. Even if all your do is make your own card (and no, that doesn’t mean Moonpig), believe us when we say that it will make all the difference.
05. Write them a letter
Ah, back to the love letter. It might feel difficult (or even dangerous) to bare your soul on the page, but a letter or heartfelt note is a classic for a reason. Brown reiterates this, noting that the occasions she plans “will often include gestures such as hand-written love letters or memory books”.
Fenwick agrees: “Despite the emotionless society people often believe we live in, the modern man is actually better equipped to express emotions than the man in the past.” We might not be meeting people and dating like we use to, but we sure spend a lot of time in “talking stages”, so put that practice to good use.
Make it extra elegant with some personalised or luxury stationery. And, at the end of the day, “If they think it’s cringe and your approach was completely normal, then realise that they weren’t the one for you,” Fenwick says.