A good starting point is for both parties to understand that check-ins are not a sign that the relationship is broken. If anything, they help avoid issues.

“Check-ins are a time in which partners can discuss anything on their minds, connect with one another and focus on the strength of their partnership,” Cohen says. “This need not be a serious conversation, prefaced by a ‘we need to talk’ opener. The goal is for you and your partner to have a discussion in which you reflect on your relationship, openly and honestly share your feelings and assess progress over time.”

Just because check-ins are not make-or-break talks doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take them seriously. You need to commit.

“If couples aren’t in the habit of checking in with one another, it is important that they incorporate it into their routine,” Cohen says. “When one is missed, it becomes easier to let this practice fall to the wayside. Consistency is key, so set realistic goals and parameters.”

“The idea of a check-in, [couples think] ‘Ugh, another thing we have to do?’” says the sex therapist Ms Vanessa Marin. “But it’s going to save so much time and energy. If you can check in with each other proactively, talk about things before they become big issues, then you’re going to prevent yourself getting into a lot of conflict.”

They also can be brief. Cohen recommends an hour; Marin suggests they can be as short as 10-15 minutes per week. “You don’t want it to feel like this huge pain in the ass,” she says. “It should be something that feels doable.”

Want some inspiration for what to talk about? Mr Jeff Guenther, aka TikTok therapist @therapyjeff, suggests 10 things to include in a relationship check-in, from discussing sexual needs to short and long-term goals. “Pick a few that seem extra relevant and feel free to hold hands or be super cute while you’re doing it,” he says.

Whatever is going on, the advice is to adapt the sessions accordingly. “Tailoring it to the couple is important,” Cohen says. “Some are doing check-ins just to hold space for one another and enhance the relationship. Others may be doing it to track progress over time as they work through a specific issue, like has the division of labour and responsibilities improved over the past week?”

You might want to utilise a check-in to record everything the other person has done wrong, but this shouldn’t be about putting your partner in the dock. “I always encourage clients that this isn’t a time to vent to one another, but rather a constructive conversation that can be really positive,” Cohen says.

Are we compatible in terms of values, goals and lifestyle? If bold questions like this from @therapyjeff float your boat, then you should go ahead and ask them in your check-in. And if getting deep into the nitty-gritty makes you feel queasy, there are other, softer approaches.

There is no such thing as a no-go area, according to Marin, just difficulties that need careful handling. “Find ways to reframe,” she says. “So, rather than, ‘You didn’t do this,’ ‘I’m so mad about this,’ say, ‘Next week, it would really help me if you did this’.”

If there is some major baggage going on, take it to a different forum. “The point of the check-in is not to relitigate past history, like, ‘Five years ago, you did this,’” Marin says. “If there is something you really want to discuss with your partner from the past, therapy is going to be the better option for that.”

Research shows that gratitude is great for relationship satisfaction. Get your check-in off to a strong start with questions that raise this. “I like, ‘What do we have to celebrate?’” Marin says. “Too often we focus on what is annoying or pressures or the conflict. There needs to be a positive element to the check-in, so you look forward to it.”

Check-ins aren’t solutions, just ways of making things work. “Things going well does not mean we take our foot off the gas,” Marin says. “All couples should be doing this. There is no right time for it, so start now.”