“We’re hardwired to help and conditioned to be cooperative – and we worry about our relationships and our reputation,” says Vanessa Patrick, author of The Power Of Saying No. “So, for most people, saying ‘no’ is awkward and difficult. It means having to put aside other people’s expectations and not doing what they wish.” But Patrick is among many specialists who insist that mastering the power of saying “no” is critical to protecting your time, energy and priorities. Here are some expert tips on how and why to get better at it.

“Every time you say no to something that doesn’t align with you, you’re actually saying yes to something that does,” says the life coach Jo Irving. “Saying no to a social event or work commitment can often mean saying ‘yes’ to spending quality time with your family, or a much-needed rest.”

“From an early age, we are taught that pleasing others is virtuous, and that pushing back against authority or expectations carries risks,” says Dr Sunita Sah, an expert in organisational psychology at Cornell University and author of Defy: The Power Of No In A World That Demands Yes. “We struggle with saying ‘no’ due to social conditioning and insinuation anxiety – the fear that by saying no we may be perceived as disloyal, unhelpful or even offensive. Even when saying ‘yes’ comes at a personal cost.”

“At work, make it clear that setting limits, boundaries and saying ‘no’ is a professional necessity, not a personal rejection,” Sah says. “Try this; ‘I block time in my calendar for deep work to stay focused, so I won’t be able to take on additional meetings this week’ or ‘I want to ensure I deliver my best work on this project, so I’ll need to decline additional commitments at this time.’” Repurpose this approach in other areas of your life, explaining why you’re saying “no” to begin with.

“A boundary is useless if you don’t stick to it,” says Nick Wignall, clinical psychologist and the founder of The Friendly Mind. “If you set a rule – for example, saying ‘no’ to answering work emails after hours – but you cave in when stressed, you signal that your boundary isn’t serious. Consistently enforcing boundaries teaches others to respect them.”

“There are a few effective approaches to saying ‘no’ with confidence and professionalism,” Sah says. Keep these in your armoury and select the right one when required:

Prioritisation no: “I’d love to help, but I have existing commitments that require my full focus. Let’s revisit this another time.”

Delegation no: “I’m unable to take this on, but I’d be happy to recommend someone who might be a great fit.”

Conditional no: “I can help with this, but I would need to adjust some other priorities. Would you like me to shift focus or is there another way I can support you?”

Direct-but-polite no: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not able to take this on.”

“Use strong assertive language, like ‘I don’t…’ ‘I never…’ and ‘I always…,’” Patrick says. “This signifies determination, control and empowerment. Conversely, language that denotes weakness or lack of will – ‘I can’t… ‘OK, if you really want me to’ – opens the door for pushback.”

“If simply saying ‘no’ feels like too big of a step, start by asking for a moment to think instead of answering right away,” says Sarah Jones St John, energy facilitator and founder of wellness brand Grey Wolfe. “Take the time to understand how you really feel, then lead with the answer that will feel the most authentic to you and your well-being.”

“In personal relationships, saying ‘no’ prevents overcommitment and allows you to invest your time in the people and activities that truly matter to you,” says Michelle Flynn, a health and performance coach at Love Trails Festival. “By defining your limits, you create space for deeper and more meaningful connections, without creating resentment or leading to burnout.

“A good rule of thumb is: if you wouldn’t want to do the thing tomorrow, you definitely won’t want to do it next week or next month when the time arrives – so say no now,” Flynn adds. “Reframing ‘no’ as a way to protect your time rather than as a rejection of the person helps ease guilt and builds confidence.”