THE JOURNAL
Max Voltage preparing to battle his comedy partner, Mr Ivan“El Guapo” Gonzalez,Pleasance Grand, Edinburgh, 2017. Photograph by Mr David Monteith-Hodge
“All the world’s a stage and a professional wrestling ring is even more of a stage,” as Mr William Shakespeare might have said, had he been writing a piece about the life lessons one can learn from pro wrestling. For it’s true. All human life is contained within the world of wrestling, as I discovered during my misspent youth as the UK’s youngest grappler, a plucky high-flyer by the name of Max Voltage, The Human Dynamo.
Today, my (far more disreputable) alter ego is that of a writer-comedian, but I still vault into the ring when the time is right. What’s more, I’ve started to transform other comedians into wrestlers, wrestling managers and commentators, too. It’s all part of a huge and ridiculous show called The Wrestling, which is coming to London on 5 March, in aid of Comic Relief, as part of the Just For Laughs London festival. So, if you would like to see a host of the UK’s finest comedians – including Mr Joe Lycett, Ms Aisling Bea, Mr Ed Gamble and Ms Rosie Jones – utterly transformed, I’ll see you there.
In the meantime, please find a series of indispensable life rules gleaned from my time in the ring, designed to help you navigate work, leisure and winning that big match.
01. First impressions count (so get a theme tune)
It is said that one has, at most, seven seconds to make a first impression – so capitalise on it. At work? Lead with a confident approach and firm handshake. At a party? A warm smile and an engaging opening line. When appearing in front of a rabid sold-out crowd to do battle with a host of the UK’s most brilliant comedians? You’ll want to burst through that curtain with your theme tune blaring and show that you’re serious by entering the ring with a tasteful somersault. It’s business time.
02. The correct clothing is key
We live in a sartorially liberal age in which traditional, fusty, office dress codes are often bafflingly flexible. It’s nonetheless important to look the part at work. In a law firm, that might now involve an unstructured Italian blazer. A modern City worker might opt for bespoke chinos and a shirt. In the world of wrestling, it might involve the EZ-rip yellow sleeveless T-shirt of Hulk Hogan, the neon tassels of The Ultimate Warrior or the dark gothic chic of The Undertaker (very Rick Owens, actually). Or, as was the case in my teenage years, a pleather two-piece outfit with pointed shoulder pads, sewn by my mum, that made me resemble a slightly promiscuous Power Ranger. (Slightly embarrassingly for the MR PORTER editors, they keep forgetting to respond to my proposed “pleather for every occasion” editorial photoshoot.)
03. It’s important to stay mobile
Time waits for no man. But one can, and should, stay mobile via a simple and regular dynamic stretching routine. This can counter the postural imbalances invited by sedentary working, help ensure you can play actively with your children and, crucially, allow you to be limber enough to deliver a spectacular bridge when you drop your opponent with a fisherman’s suplex.
Max Voltage avoiding El Guapo’s top-rope splash, Pleasance Grand, Edinburgh, 2017. Photograph by Mr David Monteith-Hodge
04. Teamwork does indeed make the dream work
If you have a task ahead of you that feels insurmountable, consider working with someone else to achieve your goals. Whether that’s a big work presentation, cooking a family meal or facing off, as I am, in a tag-team wrestling match against Mr Ed “The Gambler” Gamble and his enormous partner, the formidable powerlifting pro wrestler Mr Levi Muir. It is a daunting challenge, but my comedy partner, Mr Ivan Gonzalez, is stepping up as my tag partner (even though, frankly, he’d be more comfortable cooking a family meal). I know that, whatever the outcome, together we are stronger.
05. Get knocked down? Get up again
Life’s tough, but you can make it past the obstacles in your way. If you get knocked back in that dream job interview, gain more experience and reapply. If that date is a disaster, pull yourself together and get back out there. If you are Ms Rosie Jones, who was viciously pushed over by Mr Nish “The Bad Boy” Kumar at The Wrestling in Edinburgh? Well, she dug deep and came back heroically to win the title that very night. Yes, she must now defend it against seven other people on 5 March, in the show’s epic main event, but whatever happens, one thing’s for sure – she won’t be going down without a fight.
06. Don’t use the word “yourselves” when you mean “you”
This rule has nothing to do with wrestling. But please don’t do it. It’s awful.
The Wrestling is on 5 March at Indigo at the O2, London. Buy tickets here