THE JOURNAL
If it is simply the thought that counts, sometimes a bad gift can really make you think. Whether it’s over- or under considered, a particularly ill-advised present can miss the mark so greatly as to be remembered well beyond the life of the offending object.
As gift-giving season ramps up, there are a few basics rules to consider: nothing with a beating heart, nothing that obligates the recipient to put in time or effort, no obvious regifts and nothing that could result in a hefty tax lien. Even if these rules seem obvious, we are all now adept at the art of graciously accepting a present that disappoints more than delights – mustering a swoon of false gratitude and a frozen smile bordering on kabuki.
A truly ill-advised choice can quickly become existential: “Do I look like the person who needs a copy of Codependent No More?” Like relationships themselves, gifting can be a fraught, resulting in some unforgettable lemons. We canvassed a few friends to recount their worst gift experiences proving that sometimes it really is better to give than to receive.
01. Ms Hillary Taymour, creative director, Collina Strada
“I received a basket of sausages. It had meat and cheeses and crackers but primarily sausages. I’m a vegan lesbian.”
02. Mr Matthew Schneier, restaurant critic, New York Magazine
“Some years ago, my family quietly transitioned into a shopping-off-each-others’-wish-lists modality. It has the bleak shrug of realism. A year into it, I found I regretted the shock and awe of true holiday surprise and went rogue, as my sister now calls it. But it’s rogue for all when it’s rogue for one, and that year, I found a sincerely gifted butter knife in my proverbial stocking.”
03. Mr Evan Ross Katz, writer and host, Shut Up Evan podcast
“The worst gift I’ve ever been given, and continue to be given, is a prepaid debit card. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It’s deceptively thoughtful (‘Use it anywhere!’), but I always end up losing them or going to a place where they aren’t accepted or have to use it in fits and starts. To quote Carrie Bradshaw in the first Sex And The City film when she encounters her closet the size of a racquetball court: ‘Hurts my eyes.’ Just write a check.”
04. Ms Lily Marotta, comedian and co-host of the Celebrity Book Club podcast
“Here’s the thing about me: I love gifts! I’m the type of person who believed in Santa for far too long (and, yes, I know he isn’t real now... but do I?) and it made me weirdly gift-sexual. The upside of this is that you can give me actual trash and I'll scream with joy. The downside is that I get way too excited to receive gifts, and my birthday is scary close to Christmas, which puts a little emotional and financial pressure on my loved ones.
“That being said, two years ago, my girlfriend went all out for my birthday and fulfilled my punk guy dreams with a Fred Perry polo and a stunning original textile piece by our friend and artist Sophie Stone. I could tell these gifts had pretty much drained her for the year, and as Navidad approached, I did that thing where I was like, you went all out just three weeks ago you really don’t have to get me anything. But I didn’t really mean it.
“So, on that special morning I found a little envelope under the tree, and pulled out a gift card to one of my favourite places in the world: Starbucks. I screamed because I’m a Starbies addict, but then I looked around the tree assuming this was just a little yummy appetiser, and my girlfriend looks kind of guilty and goes, “Oh, that’s it…” And, honestly, I laughed. I just love how just a Starbucks gift card is the gift you give an employee or your 16-year-old niece. So, ultimately this was an awful Christmas gift, but weirdly it kind of worked for me.”