THE JOURNAL
Illustrations by Mr Janne Iivonen
Your safety at home this festive season is our primary concern and MR PORTER takes every possible precaution to ensure this. Spending time with family during the holidays is usually safe, but we ask you to read the below instructions so that, in the event of a domestic crisis, you know how to follow the correct procedure.
01.
When donning a festive sweater, place head through the hole and arms through the sleeves
02.
In case of Mr Michael Bublé being played before 9.00am, adopt the brace position (and cover ears)
03.
Alcohol can cause impaired vision, nausea and induce risky decision-making. Please drink responsibly
04.
Children must be accompanied by a parent or legal guardian at all times
05.
A list of prohibited items: aftershave sets, novelty jumpers, bad romance novels
06.
Correct clothing must be worn at all times
07.
Ensure you have secured your novelty chef’s apron at the waist
08.
Only unfasten your belt when you hear the dinner bell
09.
Always put food on your own plate first before helping others
10.
Keep yourself and your family safe by wearing a novelty hat at all times while seated
11.
In case of being cornered by a grandparent talking about politics, break glass to exit
12.
After dinner board games can cause death or serious injury. Play at your own risk
13.
Keep a safe distance of two metres at all times from drunk uncles
14.
In event of a (sugar) crash, assume the correct posture
15.
Family members may cause irritation or inflammation on repeated or prolonged contact
16.
Plan escape routes and make sure they remain available and unobstructed
