THE JOURNAL

Illustration by Mr Jori Bolton
Clumsy matchmaking, looks of pity, turning yourself into the butt of the joke – sounds like wedding season to me. But as this year’s onslaught of stag dos and weddings starts to fill up your weekends, it’s worth asking yourself this: what if you don’t have to take one for the team?
In the past, I’ve allowed couples to entertain themselves by scrolling through my Hinge app, told my most appalling tales of dating disasters to provide dinner time lols and been the one who drinks way too much just to get through the speeches. But what if a ropey snog at the side of the dance floor with the one other singleton followed by days of shame is not the only strategy for surviving our mates’ wedding. In fact, it might even be possible to approach these occasions on your own terms and switch out the dread.
According to the Office of National Statistics, for the first time in recorded history the majority of people in the UK aged 30-34 are now unmarried, so you are not alone. But even with this rise in single young adults, the invites keep on coming and feeling anxiety about attending by yourself is real. Instead of, in sheer desperation, inviting the person you’ve been on three sub-par dates with along to be your plus one, here’s how you can play it.
01. Surviving small talk
The best outcome for your solo wedding experience is simply to feel good and have a nice time. It sounds obvious, but it’s easy to get caught up in the dynamics of the day and forget that you have control over who you spend time with and where conversation goes. Men’s coach Mr Dan Stanley flags the key ways to approach the day.
“Settle yourself,” Stanley says. “Look for people in whose company you feel comfortable and make a conscious effort to spend time with them and then be curious. Ask questions, engage with genuine interest. If you’re feeling self-conscious, listening to others is easier than talking about yourself.”
And lest we forget that people’s favourite thing to talk about is usually themselves, so be the guy who asks good questions. If you don’t want the spotlight, you can charmingly divert. And if you do find yourself in receipt of some unsolicited advice, Stanley says, “it doesn’t have to be a big deal. You can hear them and change the subject by asking them a question about themselves.”
02. Tame the stories in your head
OK, it’s time to do a bit of self-work. Embodiment coach and educator Mr Darren Hunter suggests a pen and paper for this mental preparation exercise – but your notes app will suffice. If you find yourself spiralling over what people might think of you or how you’re going to feel, write down everything you’re worried about regarding attending the wedding solo. Then, systematically cross out everything you can't control. Focus your attention and energy on the aspects you can control, for example what you’re going to wear. We can’t change how we feel, but we can use tools to self-regulate.
Hunter introduces something called psychological distancing to help manage the stories in our heads. “This involves gaining perspective by mentally stepping back from our own experiences,” he says. “It allows us to view our situation with clarity and objectivity, much like offering advice to a friend facing a problem.”
Sometimes the anticipation of something is harder than the thing itself. However, catching and rerouting our thought patterns can be a game-changer.
03. Dressing to leave an impression
Adhering to the dress code and preferences of the couple in question is the classiest way to approach any wedding, according to stylist and producer Mr Eric Down. But he warns, under no circumstances is this the day to make it all about you. Upstaging is, quite frankly, poor form, so save any statement looks for your own birthday party and focus on the details instead.
The key is pulled together without being overdone. “Accessories that complement each other, but don’t match exactly, such as a plain tie, with a printed pocket square in complementary shades or vice versa,” Down says.
A great pair of sunglasses are essential armour to allow the occasional eye roll and some important people watching. Down recommends opting for something classic such as aviators or Ray-Ban’s Wayfarers.
To turn heads in a subtle way, take your suit to the tailor and make sure the key points fit – chest, shoulders, cuffs, hems. Finally, “pay attention to your socks, the wrong pair will kill the whole look,” Down says. “The finer the gauge of the suit, the finer the gauge of the sock. Pick a complementary colour that harmonises with your suit and shirt.”
04. Be the man you want to be
A substantial number of years as the single one orbiting my coupled-up friends taught me a magic secret: they envy your freedom. And yes, the grass-is-greener syndrome plagues our human existence, and there is nothing more icky than a happy couple projecting glory onto those lonely Sunday nights, but there might be something to take away here.
You don’t have to pretend everything is amazing to hold your own quiet confidence in yourself and life. Small touches leave an impression. “A haircut, beard trim and a good night’s sleep cannot be underestimated,” Down says.
Rather than imagining the pity of your mates and their wives, stand in the worth and meaning of your own life. Simple things indicate self-respect and togetherness. “Weddings on a hangover are horrible,” Down says. “Be the one with a friendly mint instead.”
05. To dance or not to dance
Feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious in your body isn’t something only women experience, as Ms Illana Gambrill, who runs dance classes for freedom and power, reminded me. “We are all riddled with our own narratives, and approaching a dance floor can feel overwhelming and scary, but with confidence it’s about faking it till you make it if you’re not feeling it,” she says.
Gambrill credits little things like lifting your head high and keeping your eyes up and shoulders back as you approach the dance floor to give out an attractive energy even if you’re not feeling that way inside. You don’t have to hit the dance floor, but if you do, work it – it’s all about owning your space, she says.
06. On the way home
There is nothing like a wedding to make anyone question their life choices. Note that even “happy” couples can feel pangs of jealousy halfway through someone else’s wedding speech. By design, these events can make us think everything is rosy and then reflect on our own shortcomings, so don’t feel bad if you leave feeling left behind. It’s time to open your notes app again and remind yourself of your own path.
Hunter enforces the importance of positivity here. “Take ownership of your desires in life,” he says. “Whether you want to embrace the single life or seek a partner, clarity is key. Define what you truly want in a partner to alleviate worries about societal judgement or fear of missing out.”
It’s about empowering yourself to pursue a life that is in line with your own values and desires. Remember it’s your life, no one else’s. It’s their party, but you can cry if you want to.