THE JOURNAL
Mr Jeremy Allen White in The Bear season two (2023)
The holidays can be hard work. “‘What are you doing for Christmas?’ seems like a simple or a harmless question,” says Dr Lucy Blake, psychologist and author of Home Truths: The Facts And Fictions Of Family Life. “But there is only one answer that we expect: that this time will be spent with family.” There are additional assumptions about how we should feel about the holidays, Blake notes.“We should feel happy, enjoy time away from work and spending time with our family members.”
The challenges of the season are often immortalised on screen too. Think back to that festive episode in season two of The Bear, when the Berzatto family Christmas is the hardest shift our boy Carmy ever pulls. This throwback piece saw our favourite white T-shirt-wearing chef reluctantly return home to expectations greater than those at his Michelin-starred day job, as a pressure-cooker get-together boils over into a gruelling, booze-soaked unwrapping of long-held grudges, toxic familial dynamics and low-flying cutlery. A recipe for disaster, then.
But there are strategies to ease the load if the holiday season is gruelling. The experts share their recommendations below.
01.
Manage your expectations
If you’ve got kids, you’ll already be an old hand at managing expectations around Santa’s gift list. Adopt a similar strategy yourself. “Rather than trying to eradicate the challenges that this time of year presents, it might be helpful instead to try to accept or lean into the fact that it can be difficult,” Blake says. “Having mixed feelings about relationships is a natural occurrence, especially when it comes to family.”
02.
Avoid seasonal re-runs
Bringing everyone together under one roof has the potential to ignite tricky family dynamics quicker than a lit match on brandy pudding. “Family relationships are complex systems, which tend to perpetuate long-standing behavioural patterns between individuals,” says clinical psychologist Dr Lucy Viney, cofounder of the Fitzrovia Psychology Clinic. “Bringing awareness to these patterns and finding ways to manage unhelpful dynamics between family members is an important aspect of learning how to cope with triggering situations at this time.”
03.
Gift yourself self-care
If your family dynamics are dire, you are under no obligation to participate. Although, if you do, look after yourself. “Many people experience a lot of guilt when it comes to prioritising themselves, especially when this has been historically undermined by family members,” Viney says. “Making yourself a priority means looking after both your body and mind.”
This might mean negotiating time outs with your partner. Taking that solitary walk. Ask Santa for noise-cancelling earphones and put them to good use.
04.
Visit the ghosts of Christmas past
In The Bear, Carmy is poked, prodded and expected to perform a familial role he left behind some time ago. Sound familiar? The predictable way family dynamics play out every year can be leveraged to your advantage. Ahead of the holidays, write down how these manifest in your family and how you might navigate it in a non-reactive way. “Brainstorm any strategies or things you can do or say to manage triggering situations and vulnerabilities,” Viney says. “This will better enable you to manage them effectively.”
05.
Don’t drink and be merry
Drinking is a familiar coping strategy, especially at big dinners with your extended family’s very own BTL commenter. But alcohol won’t make difficult family members less annoying or offensive.
“Drinking ‘to get through’ something is never a good idea,” says Ms Rosamund Dean, author of Mindful Drinking: How Cutting Down Can Change Your Life. “Alcohol to cope with difficult people or situations might take the edge off in the moment, but always makes things worse ultimately.” Stock up on alcohol-free options and organise new traditions not centred around drinking.
06.
Practise this season’s greetings
You’ll want to be sober for this next bit. Setting boundaries can help manage tricksy interpersonal dynamics. The “I Statement” approach communicates these boundaries in a way that be helpful in reducing conflict, particularly between family members, Viney says.
The structure is: I feel/When/Because/I need. For example: “I feel upset when I come home for the holidays because there’s a lot of unresolved tension in our family. I need a quiet morning at home and will join you for lunch.” Or: “I feel stressed when people ask me personal questions about my relationship because I do not want to discuss this now. I need you to refrain from questioning me about this.”
07.
Bring something normal
In your regular life (oh, how you miss it), you’ll likely be adept at strategies for living well – like eating nutritious food, getting regular exercise and decent sleep. Over the holidays, these hard-won routines are under unique pressure from socially reinforced over-indulgence. Take at least one strategy from your normal life (which you promise never, ever to take for granted again) and make it a non-negotiable here. Pack that running gear. Insist on your regular breakfast routine. Do what you need to take care this season.
08.
Do a dry run
If you want to better manage festive drinking, try your ideal version ahead of the big day. “Many of us have never socialised sober, so it might not click immediately,” Dean says. “It’s a practice. It takes a few sober social occasions before you get the hang of who you are in that situation.”
09.
Spare yourself the spare room
You’ve endured travel chaos to find yourself regulated to your former teenage bedroom, now storage space, again. The temptation to stick on Slipknot and regress can be overwhelming. “A lack of physical space and difficulties maintaining routine can be very disruptive and trigger difficult thoughts and feelings,” Viney says. “Individuals can certainly experience a regression of sorts whereby stored memories and repressed emotions re-emerge, leading them to feel like they are a younger version of themselves once again.”
To avoid, stay in the present. Try mindfulness exercises or failing that, give yourself the gift of a local Airbnb this year.
10.
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep takes a huge hit over the festivities, impacting energy and mood. “It is so important to try to stay as close to your normal bedtime as possible to help keep your body clock regular,” says Dr Zoe Gotts, consultant clinical psychologist at The London Sleep Centre. “Allowing yourself sufficient opportunity to sleep and a comfortable environment is key, particularly when you’re away from home.”
Even relegated to the spare room, you can aim for a good night’s sleep. “I always go back to basics for what promotes the best environment for sleep. That is cool, dark and quiet,” Gott says. Pack an eye mask, ear plugs and rest easy, knowing it’s a whole 365 sleeps until you do it all over again.